BE The Instrument

FROM MY JOURNAL:

7/31/2022 Kappi crossed over the Rainbow Bridge yesterday. I hope He is chasing his girlfriend Sara around up there.  He is most definitely causing some havoc or they are having a big ole party up there for Him because it has been thundering like crazy all day long today, and raining on and off Pretty hard. Feels like the whole of the Universe is crying. God help Joelle, We miss him so much, it hurts to even write the words.  The whole community Here in Martins Grove really Loved Kappi, what’s not to love?  He was like the neighborhood mascot. Kids and adults all alike, loved Kappi. Rest in Peace My friend. Will miss You, EVERYONE will miss You and I know You know that. I am throwing out some virtual treats for You …from the days when You loved them so much. Love You buddy, till the day I die.

While there is an overwhelming sense of grief and emptiness, Ranger and Chief taught me about switching My mindset. The pain was so intense when they passed 30 days apart that the hole in My chest was vast…it ACHED, and nothing could fill the void. I can say that with Kappi, the loss is the same, the ache is there but the switch is ever so slightly easier to access. I remember saying over and over again that I needed (and Joelle) to switch from the pain, to the other side of that equation, appreciation and LOVE. I appreciate Kappi for so much! Yes, it tears Me up, but I am a better person for having had him in My life and I am able to make the switch from focusing on the pain & grief to appreciation instead, and it makes all the difference! While tough, it is possible, to smile in the face of pain, and appreciate all that He has given Me! I will go on with appreciation and Love! I surely do Love You Kappi!

He was so Patient, and so calm, fearless. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING got to Kappi. He would sit in the Lawn with Me in Walnutport as a Puppy, and Here on Canting Way as an adult and Sr dog and He needed NOTHING, He would sit for hours sometimes, just as content as could be, just taking it all in, even if nothing was happening. So calm, and peaceful. Kappi was truly the “ZEN Kappi” We knew and loved …as if in some kind of meditative state. Just as peaceful as can be. So Happy, and content with whatever…didn’t matter, nothing, or the Chaos of the garage sale weekend with cars whipping in and out and people everywhere. Kappi was equally happy no matter what!

When He slept, He slept so peacefully!  He melted into his couch, and his MANY  Beds…He loved that couch so much though…and when He couldn’t get up there anymore, We took the legs off so He could still get into his favorite spot. He loved to sit in that spot, all the way wedged up against one side, and look out the window with his Chin on the armrest until He got tired enough and then would lay down and go to sleep. I would sit with Him and just watch him, again, so peaceful….He loved to sleep, and rested well. He had plenty of dreams too, his little paws would wiggle as He was dreaming and sometimes His whole arms and legs would be twitching as He ran through dreamland. Adventures in Kappi land, I would wonder where He was…and what He was running after. Probably Sara! LOL. I can say that He was always happy, ever loved, by all! My boy  oh how I love you Kapp  Forever My friend. I hope You are able to meet Ranger and Chief!

Kappi, always loved his food, meal time was special, when He would give us the “eyes” as if to say…Mommy / Daddy…is it time? or It IS time…We always knew. It started at around 4 or 5, then, 330, then 3, then 2…shoot sometimes He would be giving us the stare down at 1:30! His eyes, penetrating they were….You could feel his eyes glaring at You, He was so special. He is, so special, always will be in My heart…but those EYES, OMG…those Kappi eyes! 

Patient, God that Kappi was so patient…never ever got upset…nothing stirred him, EVER! He hardly ever even barked, even when we asked him too, like, SPEAK…for a treat…. it was like a chore, like “really, this is so beneath me!”  LOL

He loved coffee time, and his “pick em ups” when we would just throw treats on the floor so He could search for them on the colorful rug…search and discovery.  We started those for Ranger when He got Old, and then figured, well why wait…so Kappi got to enjoy them for the better part of his life.  Thank You again RANGER! I’ll see all You all again, in my thoughts, in my dreams, and hopefully if the stars align one day in the afterlife….but not yet.

Keep flipping the switch, I just have to keep flipping the switch…. emotions are here to tell us stuff…I get it. Opposite sides of the same coin. 

You can’t have the Joy, and happiness, and Love and all the experiences that go along with all these pleasure emotions, without the pain of loss.  Impermanence, 

loss and grief are just the unfortunate back side of having had an opportunity to LOVE greatly, of having had such a wonderful experience, a true friend, true love…that unconditional love!

If ONLY We could have one without the other… One of very few “complaints” I have on this earth. Human experience is a roller coaster to be sure, full of all kinds of ups and downs. If You are trapped in the MIND and unable to detach, or flip the switch it would be easy to get stuck in one of the many compartments that the mind creates, endless cycles of experience, good and bad. A prison of sorts, for some people. Unfortunate!

Impermanence, the back side of the coin. I guess as We get older, and our friends do too, We just see more of it. It doesn’t make it suck any less, but understanding where to flip the switch really does help. It doesn’t take the pain away, necessarily, but it does allow You to keep on Loving right through it to the other side where appreciation can grow in its place.  Time heals, thankfully.  I did learn where the appreciation switch was from Ranger and Chief…. When they passed on. It certainly took a long time back then, but it surely helps now!

That brings up the Pain Body, that Eckard Tolle talks about…makes perfect sense…how people can get lost in thought….can’t break free from these cycles caught in yesterday. If only they knew about the switch, from pain to appreciation, loss to LOVE. Right now the pain is here, the tears certainly unavoidable, but then I go right into appreciation. I appreciate Kappi so much, for all the good times, the smiles, the laughs, the quiet friendship & Companionship…only a best friend can have. NO WORDS are needed, just a mutual bond, for life and ever after. I love You My friend, and I most definitely always will! Rest in Peace Buddy, You are a part of Me, Now and Forever!

I like to think of Kappi in all his health and vibrant colors when He was Younger....such a handsome boy: https://foxredlab.weebly.com/ 

Appreciation, Love...Appreciation & Love.  

The switch, to Appreciation and Love is alive and well, it is in the moment...NOW...In a flash, We can move from one side to the other. If we are not looking, not alert and aware, We can get trapped on one side or the other. Sure, We can stay in the pain, but there is an alternative. I saw this in a house yesterday, and serves as a reminder!  Of course, We always get just what we need if We are paying attention!

Love exists, NOW!  Flip the switch :)

I Love My Kappi, always and Forever. No Pain, No regret, Just LOVE and Appreciation...NOW!

Several days later…..

8/2/2022

Still processing, and before getting too far down the rabbit hole, I wanted to Say Thanks to Our Family!  Kappi was a "GIFT", literally, and although We paid for most of the fee, We got help from the whole family, they contributed towards getting him for us as a Christmas gift to Joelle and I...and Oh What a Gift He was in so many many ways!  Joelle and I really didn't want anything that year so they just made a monetary contribution towards the $1500 that was required to buy our Kappi.  We went and sat with the whole litter, in PA, Renfrew, just north of Pittsburgh, the year the Steelers won their last Superbowl.  What a great year!  Not really, for Me, but for the fact that the Steelers won the Superbowl, and We got Kappi!  I was turning the corner in a lot of ways, but Kappi really helped Kick start a new Chapter for us.  I am still learning from Him, even after He has gone to the rainbow Bridge. Joelle and I have spent quite a bit of time the last few days talking about our Little Angel. "BUBBS".  Seems like yesterday that We were on the floor in the selection process, since We bought him so early in the process, like before He was born, We got 1st pick of the litter...and of course, somehow, some way, We selected Kappi! (He actually selected us!)
 

In "Letting Go" The Pathway of Surrender, Dr David Hawkins...He has a Chapter devoted to GRIEF. It seems based on that particular write up that I am moving through it at a pretty rapid pace.  I pretty well already knew that, but it was comforting to read it.  Everyone "processes" a little bit differently, and as We know if they don't process it, FULLY, it comes back later in life as psychosomatic Illness...and shows up in the body, one way or another! The other way it can surface is blame, on others, or trying to offload that onto another person, lots of people do this in little things, everyday, loss is not only of people and pets, it is of ANYTHING...and that loss or the pain involved in it is why people get ANGRY, as that is the natural Human tendency.  It is a "RE-action" because it is YOU that just caused that pain, that loss. It doesn't matter what it was, a thing, money, health, a situational dependency, attachment...whatever... but their image of perfection, momentary satisfaction for the way things are and need to be to make them "happy" was just removed in one way or another and whomever was responsible for that removal, is the likely recipient of that blame / and or anger. It doesn't need to be that person though, the one that "caused it". LOL.  It could be the next innocent bystander that just happens to walk around the corner.  As a Real Estate agent, often times that is ME! I get offloaded emotions all the time, I just get it, people have to offload their pain on someone, why not Me. No worries, I got Kappi...whatever! People just being people...pain hurts, and they don't know what to do with it...so they try by whatever means possible to offload it rather than process it. I am that guy, the offload EEE...the willing recipient of the pain, because ...quite honestly, I can take it, and they can't. Maybe next time they will get the lesson. What I realized, somewhere along the way, is that life keeps bringing us these lessons....We can either get the lesson, or we can postpone it. Mostly, people postpone it...avoidance of the lesson, is offloading it, with anger, or blame, or whatever else...some people just bury it, and that is when it comes back as illness. 

Anyway, I was seeing a little bit of that in Me yesterday, late but I was exhausted, so that is understandable. Not my normal nature, Just Monkey Mind, or Lizard brain! Although I knew that it was not animosity, just the "shape shifter" tired mind wanting to be angry at something or someone! I was never angry with Kappi, how could I be? Kappi was as special and amazing as they come....but the "mind", little mind wants to blame 1st, and then if it has no one or no thing to blame, then it resorts to anger...or whatever else for the pain we feel. We don't want to feel pain, so avoidance is the great human pass time...I see that, I get it, just monkey mind ...Good Ole "Tom Sawyer", taking any vantage point other than just surrender and understanding to offload it or postpone so that We can stay the same, and He still rules the roost (MIND), so to speak! LOL.  In fact, I saw that and the very next moment i saw guilt, for even seeing that vantage point in myself....like, really stupid, are You really going to be angry at the mind for being a mind now?  That is what the mind does. Its a machine.... As Kappi would personify, I am so "above that". LOL

Impermanence is unfortunately a part of this human earthly experience.  We get that lesson more often as we get older.  Understanding that is the key to moving forward and taking the experience as a positive, and using that to propel us forwards, not backwards. Letting GO...is removing the potato from the sack, not adding another one to it!  It is important, so You don't have to carry it forward. Lots of people just add that one more potato each time something happens, to their emotional baggage...and that is why they end up hunched over at the end of their life, they never let go of anything. The sack of potatoes is JIGUNDUS, HUGE...and so they are literally carrying the "weight of the world" on their shoulders. Call it Osteoporosis or whatever else, You are hunched over because You added too many potatoes, and the bag got very heavy as You got weaker in old age!  LET IT GO! 

What does this mean for me? Just that Kappi was really REALLY special, and SUPER important to me at a time in life when I really needed that emotional support. He was the most AMAZING example of Peace, and emotional stability, composure, calm, "Zen Kappi" was truly a model of perfection to me. He exemplified the detached, "enlightened" perspective that I understand NOW. Nothing affected Kappi, He was "still" in mind, Peace in his behavior, unaffected by life, just taking everything in stride so to speak. That is NOT something I knew how to do before Kappi came into My life.  I liked to believe that I could live by that example, and BELIEVE ME I tried.....but the truth is, I was always so AFRAID.  A big part of My growth was getting through FEAR, understanding fear and how it operates in the mind. YES, I was fearful, back then, and then My EGO took a major hit when I was "fired" from my J. O. B....it rocked My boat, My world,  and the fear got WORSE, not better!  It was crippling!  What I didn't understand back then was that I could walk right through it....but it took a little while to get that lesson! It is a mirage....on the other side of fear is PEACE, and FREEDOM!

Kappi helped me get My feet back under Me so to speak! Even in his wilder Younger years, Kappi still had that Zen like quality about him. Even as a puppy... He and I used to sit out in the lawn at lunchtime and after "work"" so to speak, and just "BE" in either the back yard or under the shade of the Pear tree in the front yard overlooking that long range view down through the valley. No talking, no one else, just being ...so peaceful, what a blessing He was and is to me. Can You imagine a 2 year old Dog, just sitting and staring out into a farm field, for an hour, two hours? Just sitting, totally 100% at peace as if in some kind of deep meditation, sniffing the air as the breeze flowed by. AS A ONE and TWO YEAR OLD....That was Kappi! WOW, I am so lucky to have such an AMAZING Dog!  He would sit in our lap and just fall asleep too, as a puppy. So ridiculously content. You could almost FEEL him smiling, even when He was sleeping!

Kappi's calm, and tranquil demeanor was always so amazing to me, I loved that aspect of Kappi. I think because I see that capability in Me but there are still times where I do get rocked, particularly when I am tired. Less and less often though, and Kappi is a big reason why I can see so much better today than 14 years ago. Kappi, in My world, has been an example, a model, and to me He was a perfect one. Truly amazing, and super special example of that Zen like, detached focus....unaffected by the world and all the shenanigans going on. He just had this quiet confidence, unafraid, unaffected, and unemotional demeanor.  His walk was slow and deliberate, especially as He got older...as if to say...I will get there when I am good and Gosh darn ready, and I am not on YOUR schedule.... Patience PAL, RELAX Dude...Man, could I use to learn that lesson.  PATIENCE. He only taught it to me every day for 13 and 3/4 years! Shit, He even told GOD, when He was 7, nope...I am not ready, not done yet....Made him wait almost 7 more years. LOL  I am still learning Kapp, I love ya buddy :)

Trials and tribulations of being human...the monkey mind, watching it from above, and laughing at the ridiculousness all around!  It is comical.  Sometimes when the real emotional aspects of life come into the picture, it is almost as if they suck You back into the mind to play on that field, rather than above it. If You are stuck in the mind, You ARE affected!  In the mind, You cannot maintain that Kappi like quality, unaffected by the ride and the tide...  In the mind, rather than above it, that is where You get blindsided, and that is how people get stuck!  It reminds me of the RUSH song, Prime Mover, at the end it speaks to this vantage point.  He says: 

… I set the wheels in motion
Turn up all the machines
Activate the programs
And run behind the scene

… I set the clouds in motion
Turn up light and sound
Activate the window
And watch the world go round

… Anything can happen

he is referring to that elevated vantage point, from ABOVE MIND, not IN IT. He is living life, yes, but unaffected by it. As Jesus put it, in this world but not "OF IT". You go about Your life, doing what You do, just watching program after program after program RUN...in the mind!  They are like little tiny machines they are, programs, and if You let them, they will run You (the machine) right into the ground. LITERALLY! Machines break down, and that's what Happens. In that song, and by Kappis fine example, We ELEVATE....We watch as the Witness. Not in the mind, but above it.  The song refers to it as the "window", He is activating the window, in other words, taking that elevated vantage point....and from that vantage point, I "watch the world go round"! From that vantage point, EVERYTHING is an unfolding lesson. Kappi truly helped me develop that perspective. Once again, Thank You Kappi!

I am not stuck, Sad...yes, but I am a better person, having had the most amazing Dog to spend My life with for nearly 14 years. I can say the same for Ranger and Chief, not to discount their contribution. They were more happy go lucky, Ranger especially, shit...He wiggled and waggled no matter what...his tail wagged so hard it was going in circles sometimes, and those two were just amazing together!  I was probably getting the same lesson in a different way but back then I couldn't hear or see it quite as well....I was so entranced by career and "living the American Dream" that I was not seeing as clearly as I should have been seeing! Not blind per se, and Maybe I was never really blind blind..like that, but I was  "driven" and "motivated", and that does sort of put the blinders on so to speak!  Ranger was unaffected, but differently, JOYFUL and outwardly happy exuberant even, like super excited about everything, Chief was more reserved and quite honestly a little fearful and meek. Ranger was super for Chief, and Maybe that was also a lesson in itself. Ranger was so happy and so ridiculously excited, that He could have easily been run over by a car....not "SEE" ing clearly because of that heightened emotion on the positive side, blinding him to the moment. It is EMOTION that blinds us....if We let it take us out of the moment!  Chief, on the other hand, was the FEAR component, and Maybe He was the example of "blinded by FEAR". He was never THAT fearful, but You could see that underlying fear in him, Ranger really helped Chief though, I think that relationship was really great for both of them. Anyway, Human nature can be blinded by BOTH, or ANY emotion, if We let it happen.  If We are blinded by emotion, We don't get the lessons. We get taken out of the moment by the emotion, and the lesson is in the "NOW"!  When the lizard brain, or monkey brain takes over, We don't have access to the NOW, so We don't get the lesson! 

I think that Kappi taught the lesson a little differently, and It is a good ..a really GOOD lesson. The big difference was the demeanor in which the lesson was delivered. Ranger and Chief were the extremes, on both sides!  Kappi was that quiet confidence right down the middle, or actually ABOVE, that elevated perspective!  He knew and He saw, but with DIFFERENT EYES.  Kappis EYES Were AMAZING.  I swear I could see eternity!  That Boy, OMG Kappi, Your EYES, I will so miss those eyes!  My Boyyyyy, You are still teaching me with those EYES and your excellence!!!!  

Kappi saw everything, He knew what was going on, He took it all in, AND he was unaffected by it. In fact, He enjoyed it, he observed everything, He knew You were there, He knew things were swirling around, stuff was going on, yet He himself, was unaffected, consistent, completely 100% at peace, at all times, unwavering! Zen Kappi, My boy :)  Not even Thunderstorms or fireworks affected Kappi!  That quality, I see more and more of that in Myself. I do, It is a developing vantage point to be sure, and each day is another opportunity for growth, another lesson. BUT I AM TIRED. I told Joelle, last night, that I am sooooo sooo very TIRED. I feel like the big man in The Green Mile at the end where he says He is so tired, from all the shenanigans! 

Kappi, just to let You know...I got the lesson Buddy, although I do need to catch my breath, and I may need You to watch over Me to make sure I keep getting better at it! You were an ALL STAR, a mighty fine example. I am sure glad that I was blessed to know You, to Be with You and to See You in all Your Glory here on this earth! You ARE Amazing to me, still, and I will carry that with Me for the rest of My life.  Thank You Kappi!  I love You, and I appreciate You and all the lessons You so eloquently delivered. Rest in Peace My friend, I know that You know nothing else, probably nothing even changed in your perspective, You were ALWAYS at Peace! 

What, where, how, when, next? I really don't know...the next Chapter is unfolding, the next lessons are on the horizon. My Mom & Dad sent us a little sleeping Kappi statue the other day, and then I opened Hawkins book last night on Healing and recovery....I had never finished the book, and the bookmark, had an identical butterfly to the one that lights up on top of the Kappi Statue...unbelievable. Don't You know that the Chapter that was "next", literally the PAGE that was bookmarked was all about grief and processing of grief, and how We label emotions, making them real? At least real to the "little self"!  Once You regain that elevated perspective, like for me, when I actually get some sleep, I am no longer in the mind and trapped by its "beliefs" and "programs"! 

It actually doesn't matter the emotion, positive or negative, it doesn't affect that perspective, You are literally above it. I was amazed, because I wrote much of this last night, and then as I was reading this book out loud to Joelle, it was exactly what I was just writing about...shaking My head. Not a coincidence, there aren't any of those. LOL

So, as an extension of that thought process and to further explain....The EMOTION is what literally DRAGS us back into the mind so that once again, we are "OF THIS EARTH". It is FEELING....and as a kid I did everything I could to avoid feeling. I did not know how to process or deal with feeling, all the way up to the time We got Kappi...so I literally never got the lessons. Why?  Because I never took the time to look underneath the feeling. I shunned it, pretended it didn't exist, and moved right on to the next thing! I didn't move on ...I barreled on DRIVEN to achieve, MOTIVATED to WIN...meanwhile, I added a LOT of potatoes to the sack, and MAN did it get heavy..what a burden!  No wonder I collapsed and it took so long to work through it, I was exhausted from carrying all those potatoes!

Well, the good news is that in My time with Kappi, and thanks to him, and a lot of book knowledge too, I have offloaded a lot of potatoes. Doing so very much better....Real Estate has helped too, because I could see so many people doing this to themselves!  His loss dragged me back into the mind again, intermittently over the last few days to process the "grief"...but as it is with all the other emotions, it is a mirage. Yes, it's there, with all its blunt force and it hurts, while in the mind...but once You realize You are back in the mind AGAIN, You are INSTANTLY taken back out, and from that elevated perspective that grief can't touch You anymore. BEHIND the feelings, UNDERNEATH the feelings, NOTHING! It is truly a mirage, just like fear. It is a figment of our imagination, created and sold to us by our small self, because that self doesn't want to change! It doesn't want us to see and hear....It doesn't want us to get the lesson, it wants to stay the same. Monkey Mind, Lizard brain, Tom Sawyer, small self, alter ego....as Jesus said "They have ears but cannot hear, Eyes but cannot see"! 

I don't think people really understand the lesson in that statement. The reason they can't see and hear is because they are trapped in the mind! They must really like potatoes. haha. I see this over and over again, don't they understand what they are doing? I don't think so. Once You peel the onion back, and SEE...there’s literally NOTHING behind that skin, You just go back to that elevated vantage point. Kappi eyes, above it all, and unaffected by the ride and the tide...As long as there is an ample supply of energy, I just "Activate the window, and watch the world go round"! Otherwise, a "tired mind become a Shape Shifter" and there You are back in the mind, fighting with the various emotions and monkey mind again. Monkey mind, will do anything to steal Your life...I lost a lot of years monkeying around, for sure...no more! I always tried to rationalize and reason with it, but You can't do that from INSIDE the mind talking to it as if it will understand, and finally listen.  You can't solve the problem from the level of the problem, You have to rise above it to see it. The mind IS the problem!

I don't know what's next...but thanks in a BIG BIG way to Kappi, I am proceeding with open ears and open eyes....what's next? I suspect that it doesn't really matter, the lessons are awaiting....I AM ready, onwards!

I will never forget You little buddy, My little BUBBS...My KAPP! What an amazing Dog You ARE! I appreciate You and Love You with all My Heart!  Thanks again for being My friend, and for all the lessons :) 

NOTES:

IMPERMANENCE: All things end, small, and large…close to us and far away.  Some we see and they have very little impact on us, others we see and feel, very acutely, they impact us in many ways, immensely in some cases. We must learn to let it go, in the moment, as we RISE UP and out of the mind that would have us remain in the PAIN! The CHOICE is available, it’s not in the past, and it’s not in the future, it is NOW! 

NOW, is the time…the moment we decide to take that next step. It’s a commitment, a decision, and sometimes it is not an easy one to make because we want to HOLD ON, and NOT let go. Unfortunately, in the near term, that means more pain. Let it go, it doesn’t mean that whatever it is that impermanence has shown us is any less appreciated or loved, it just means that we had an amazing experience in which we did love and were loved.  We had a good experience, yes, it ended, but that can never be taken away…it can be appreciated, loved, and treasured even! The choice is to do this from a different lens, the part we let go of is the pain associated with it. Keep the rest. Let it “Rest in peace” 😊

Impermanence is discussed and really dissected in incredible detail in the book. If you really want to understand impermanence and the myriad of ways it affects us, pick up a copy! It affects a lot more than just death and impacts just about everything we do! 

Here is a link: https://www.xulonpress.com/bookstore/bookdetail.php?PB_ISBN=9781662880377&HC_ISBN=